Monthly Archives: December 2025

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It’s the day after Christmas. What I am still dealing with are the immense changes in my life. For the first time in over fifty-two years this was a Christmas without my wife. I saw her on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, but my wife is really gone. She kind of knows that I’m her husband, but doesn’t know my name. When I asked her how many children we had she said “Forty Eight “. I laughed and told her I didn’t think we were that busy. She became tearful and told me that all the answers are locked up in her head and she just can’t reach them. She continues to want to leave memory care and come home. I continue to feel guilty but I know that she is where she needs to be and I really could not provide the care she needs

The whole Christmas thing was making it worse. I don’t think she really knew it was Christmas despite the decorations and the efforts of the Memory Care Staff to celebrate it with the residents. It was hard on me just to see her and see how much she has lost.

I spent time with both my sons and their families. Seeing the grandchildren’s joy with their toys and gifts was helpful, but eventually I had to come home to this very empty dry house. I was one of those guys who put up lots of decorations and outside lights and even reindeer on the lawn. My wife would always worry when I got out the ladder to decorate the roof. Even when we moved into this townhouse I would make an effort to decorate outside. We have two Christmas trees and boxes of ornaments and lights to put on them.

I didn’t put anything up this year. It just didn’t feel right without her. I think that the whole “without her” is dominating my life right now. I’ve talked to other men and women whose spouses have Alzheimer’s and it is the same story. It is losing a little bit of them each day. I keep telling myself to man up and accept this situation.

I have difficult decisions to make. I wanted to get thru Christmas before I started clearing up most of her possessions, books, and clothing. Our bedroom is still packed with her things. It is no wonder after fifty plus years of marriage. The question I keep coming back to is after I do let go, what is next?

Right now I don’t sleep in the bedroom. It doesn’t feel right. I also don’t watch TV aside from the news. When I do watch it, I stream it on the computers. We have a nice entertainment center with stereo and large TV. We both enjoyed it. She liked TV more than I did but over the last year she would watch maybe half of a TV show and then want to go up to bed. She wouldn’t really remember anything she saw. I don’t like to sit there by myself so I have just stopped going down there.

I know this is a process and I don’t want to continue to sound like “Poor Me”, but the process is still very mysterious. I want to know what’s next and when will this end. When I go to the monthly support group I hear much of the same story. This process is very unclear. The Kubler Ross stages of grief are helpful, but there is an end to it. At least there used to be. Now the stages keep revolving until you get to acceptance, but then you can start all over again. The difference here is that she is still alive and sometimes I see her shining thru before she falls back again. I wonder if she dies if that will at least start an end to this. Then I begin thinking what if I die first? Would she even know if I was gone? Will my sons be able to manage this? Would anyone come to visit her regularly?

These are the thoughts that go round and round in my head. I think I am avoiding making some very practical decisions about my own life. Do I want to keep living in this large townhouse by myself? If not where would I go? Right now I am going to pack up some of her books and donate them to the Library here in town. I am also going to drop off some things at Good Will. At least this is a start.

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What is hard to accept is the uncertainty of life right now. Good days, bad days cant be predicted. What is hard is accepting that our current situation is really not workable. In the last three months I have seen real changes in my wife’s behavior. Her neurologist said that this is normal for the disease and everyone progresses differently. What is hard for me is the increased irritability and loss of function in everyday living – like getting dressed, showering etc.

On a good day I think we could keep doing this and just adjust to the minor changes. On a bad day I start to realize that I cant do this anymore. My temper gets short. I raise my voice. I feel guilty afterwards. I also have to accept that this townhouse is not a long-term solution. The neurologist said that as plaque builds up in the brain it interferes with the brains ability to communicate with external limbs. Walking becomes difficult. Stairs become a real obstacle. Right now she has to hold my hand whenever we go out because she feels so unsteady.

All of this has gotten me thinking of our life together. We really have not been apart for a total of three to four weeks during the course of our marriage. Either I would go to a workshop or she would go on a business trip. We have had a good life. We raised two sons we are very proud of .We have seen them get married to two lovely girls and have four grandchildren we love dearly.

We have traveled and gone on vacations to Europe and other places. We have had a good life . —–that doesn’t change the fact that this is very unfair.

She doesn’t deserve this. She is one of the brightest, most organized people I have ever met. Now that is gone. I began taking her to an “Adult Day Care” two days per week in July. She doesn’t know why she is going, but she smiles more there than she does at home. The place is maybe 10-15 minutes from our home. On the way there every time she will ask 2-3 times, “Where are we going ?”.

One of my main supports thru this has been my sister. She has a friend who went thru this with her husband. We were trying to have breakfast with them on a regular basis. The last time we did it in July She saw how much the disease had progressed. I told her that the thought of her being in a Memory Care was almost too much. She said that she thought that was the best place. She and my brother in law came out when Marilyn was in day care. They helped clean out her closet and took two bags of clothes to my son’s house. When Marilyn got home she never noticed anything was missing

What finally made my decision was her thinking I’m trying to hurt her. I have never lifted my hand toward her. She is hiding her jewelry thinking I want to steal it. Then she forgets where it is and we spend hours trying to find it. Last week while I was upstairs on a call she ran to the front door and began yelling “Help, Help me !!”. She wouldn’t tell me why she did this . We went to Walmart for some groceries and she began doing this in the store. I called the Cary Police Dept about this and told them of my wife’s Alzheimer Dementia. They had me fill out a form in case she gets out of the house.

I finally accepted the fact that she needed more care than I could provide. We had already put a deposit down on an independent living apartment in Algonquin. I cancelled that and put deposits down on two facilities for Memory Care. After about three weeks one called and said there was an opening beginning Nov 1. After talking to my sons, we accepted that. I wanted to wait until after Thanksgiving but my sons thought we she should go sooner. We set a date of November 15. I took her to day care and my sons came over with one of their father-in-laws and moved her dresser and end table into her room at the facility. I picked her up and took her there for “lunch with our sons”. After the lunch we went to her new room. She was very upset. We left her there with the staff at the facility.

The next two weeks are still a blur. I cant let go. I go visit her there every day. She cries and wants to come home, but then she will do or say something that makes me realize that this was the right decision for her.

I don’t think I will ever accept that it was the right decision for me.