If Ever I Would Leave You: June-November 2025

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What is hard to accept is the uncertainty of life right now. Good days, bad days cant be predicted. What is hard is accepting that our current situation is really not workable. In the last three months I have seen real changes in my wife’s behavior. Her neurologist said that this is normal for the disease and everyone progresses differently. What is hard for me is the increased irritability and loss of function in everyday living – like getting dressed, showering etc.

On a good day I think we could keep doing this and just adjust to the minor changes. On a bad day I start to realize that I cant do this anymore. My temper gets short. I raise my voice. I feel guilty afterwards. I also have to accept that this townhouse is not a long-term solution. The neurologist said that as plaque builds up in the brain it interferes with the brains ability to communicate with external limbs. Walking becomes difficult. Stairs become a real obstacle. Right now she has to hold my hand whenever we go out because she feels so unsteady.

All of this has gotten me thinking of our life together. We really have not been apart for a total of three to four weeks during the course of our marriage. Either I would go to a workshop or she would go on a business trip. We have had a good life. We raised two sons we are very proud of .We have seen them get married to two lovely girls and have four grandchildren we love dearly.

We have traveled and gone on vacations to Europe and other places. We have had a good life . —–that doesn’t change the fact that this is very unfair.

She doesn’t deserve this. She is one of the brightest, most organized people I have ever met. Now that is gone. I began taking her to an “Adult Day Care” two days per week in July. She doesn’t know why she is going, but she smiles more there than she does at home. The place is maybe 10-15 minutes from our home. On the way there every time she will ask 2-3 times, “Where are we going ?”.

One of my main supports thru this has been my sister. She has a friend who went thru this with her husband. We were trying to have breakfast with them on a regular basis. The last time we did it in July She saw how much the disease had progressed. I told her that the thought of her being in a Memory Care was almost too much. She said that she thought that was the best place. She and my brother in law came out when Marilyn was in day care. They helped clean out her closet and took two bags of clothes to my son’s house. When Marilyn got home she never noticed anything was missing

What finally made my decision was her thinking I’m trying to hurt her. I have never lifted my hand toward her. She is hiding her jewelry thinking I want to steal it. Then she forgets where it is and we spend hours trying to find it. Last week while I was upstairs on a call she ran to the front door and began yelling “Help, Help me !!”. She wouldn’t tell me why she did this . We went to Walmart for some groceries and she began doing this in the store. I called the Cary Police Dept about this and told them of my wife’s Alzheimer Dementia. They had me fill out a form in case she gets out of the house.

I finally accepted the fact that she needed more care than I could provide. We had already put a deposit down on an independent living apartment in Algonquin. I cancelled that and put deposits down on two facilities for Memory Care. After about three weeks one called and said there was an opening beginning Nov 1. After talking to my sons, we accepted that. I wanted to wait until after Thanksgiving but my sons thought we she should go sooner. We set a date of November 15. I took her to day care and my sons came over with one of their father-in-laws and moved her dresser and end table into her room at the facility. I picked her up and took her there for “lunch with our sons”. After the lunch we went to her new room. She was very upset. We left her there with the staff at the facility.

The next two weeks are still a blur. I cant let go. I go visit her there every day. She cries and wants to come home, but then she will do or say something that makes me realize that this was the right decision for her.

I don’t think I will ever accept that it was the right decision for me.