Monthly Archives: September 2025

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This initially started off as a blog about transition into retirement and continuing to observe the world thru my liberal social work perspective. It has now changed into gradual acceptance of mortality and the stages that occur as we age. One of the really difficult things for me to face is my continuing denial. It is much more than a river in Egypt. In March of this year I finally had to accept that I needed eye surgery for Cataracts. I had been putting this off for at least five years and my denial continued until I had to accept the truth. My vision in one eye was blurry at best and increasing power on my reading glasses did not seem like a long-term solution.
The eye surgeon whom I consulted had recommended this for a long time and whenever I questioned him about this he would get irritated. I continued to think that I knew best and was proud of the fact that I had never had surgery. I think what helped make my decision was having to face the reality of our current situation. My wife cannot drive any more and we decided to sell her car. Now we only have one driver and one car. If my vision continued to worsen we would have no real transportation.
The surgery went well and I have been pleasantly surprised with the result. I still need reading glasses, but my vision is much better overall. I complimented the surgeon, but I know I am not one of his favorite patients. I continue to wonder why I put it off as long as I did.
Denial affects almost every area of my life. My vision was only one aspect. I continue to have difficulty accepting getting old. I know this is not the most surprising thing in my demographic, but sometimes I think I am still in my 30s and 40s until I experience the consequences of doing too much.
I think denial really affected me the most in my marriage. My wife has been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s Dementia. I would make excuses for her for years for her memory loss and losing things. I really had to accept it two years ago. We went on a Mediterranean Cruise for our 50th wedding anniversary. We were both very excited about it, but she had a difficult time keeping up on the cruise with the other passengers and it was evident that there was something wrong. When we returned I set an appointment with her primary care MD. Her physician thought she had had a stroke and ordered and MRI and a PET Scan. The Scans indicated a small silent stroke and indicated possibility of Alzheimer’s. We then went to a neurologist who confirmed this. The one thing the neurologist said that still bothers me is that there is no cure and the goal of treatment is to slow the progress.
Over the last two years the progress has accelerated. She has trouble with memory on a daily basis, has trouble dressing and right now cannot be left alone. I continued to think we could manage this but our sons both said our current living situation was not manageable. We began to explore senior living facilities. These facilities have three levels. Independent living which is basically apartment living with meals included. Assisted living which provides additional help such as help with medication management, dressing, showering etc. Memory care which is basically for individuals who can not be left alone and need more intensive care . I initially though we could live in our home here and then move into Independent Living. Over the last nine months that has changed. Her disease has progressed. Assisted Living does not provide enough protection or safety for more advanced Dementia. We are now on a wait list for a Memory Care placement. This is still incredibly difficult to accept. This hasn’t happened yet, but it will and I know it will break my heart. I also know that this is the care she will need. Hopefully I can stay strong enough to carry this thru .

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I recently heard a talk about prolonged stages of grief for caretakers of Dementia. Every day you see a loved one lose a little bit and every day another part of you slips away.  Right now I can recite Kubler-Ross by heart –Denial, Bargaining, Anger, Depression, Acceptance. I foolishly thought this would be like dealing with death of my parents or sister. It is not.

I think what stops this is the daily contact and gradual deterioration. I keep expecting it to stabilize or even get better and it doesn’t. I initially thought this was just a part of aging like forgetting words or where you placed something. I would make excuses or jokes about it. Physical problems like walking slower I thought just needed encouragement to move quicker.  I would listen to my sons about her problems maneuvering on stairs and danger of falling. They began suggesting a move into senior centers in December/January. We even visited one with them and had lunch there. I kept saying we could stay in our home, and we could manage this. Over the last nine months I have had to change. I agreed to visit other senior centers. I would always find excuses like cost or loss of freedom or problems with moving from townhouse to a one- or two-bedroom apartment. We finally put a deposit on a nice apartment with independent living. We even went out and began measuring what to bring.

Then reality struck again. My wife began having increasing problems with memory and physical activities. Her primary care physician now classified her as severe and said independent living, or assisted living would not be enough. We had our deposit returned and she is now on a wait list for a memory care placement.

If I have time, I begin to think about myself. I think I worked thru Denial and Bargaining, but right now I am on the elevator between Depression and Anger. I get really irritated at something my wife does. I raise my voice and then feel overwhelming Depression until the Anger surfaces again. I will wake up at night and feel guilty about placing her in memory care.  Friends and family all want to know how I am doing. I always say fine, and that my focus is my wife.

What is really hard to accept is that the girl I married is gone .She doesn’t remember much of the past.  I will bring up something and it’s obvious she doesn’t recall it. She has trouble remembering her sons names and really can’t remember her grandchildren. She recognizes them if when sees them, but still has trouble with their names. I know this is the process of the disease and I know it will continue to get worse. What is hard is trying to remain positive with her. She doesn’t smile much any more. I used to say that she made me laugh at least once every day. Now she doesn’t laugh at anything I say and prefers to sleep rather than talk to me.

I keep remembering that this is the girl I met fifty-four years ago and have been married to for fifty-two years. We had a good life and went thru raising two sons, watching loved ones die, having grandchildren, going on wonderful vacations and all of the other events of a long marriage. We have both had reasonably good health and no real external crises in our lives. I know I need to keep focusing on positives, but the reality is that I really wasn’t prepared for this. I don’t know if anyone could be.

I think Kubler Ross’s stage of Acceptance is just a myth for me right now. This may be due to our current life being so fluid and unpredictable. I know that after my parents death the grief passed after awhile. My grandmother from Ireland never let the death of her husband pass. She wanted to go to the cemetery weekly and would say two rosaries a day for him. This might have been because he died suddenly and she didn’t have a chance to say goodbye. I keep thinking that I am saying goodbye every day and then get up and start another day. I treasure the good days but they are getting harder to find. Maybe today will be different.