This initially started off as a blog about transition into retirement and continuing to observe the world thru my liberal social work perspective. It has now changed into gradual acceptance of mortality and the stages that occur as we age. One of the really difficult things for me to face is my continuing denial. It is much more than a river in Egypt. In March of this year I finally had to accept that I needed eye surgery for Cataracts. I had been putting this off for at least five years and my denial continued until I had to accept the truth. My vision in one eye was blurry at best and increasing power on my reading glasses did not seem like a long-term solution.
The eye surgeon whom I consulted had recommended this for a long time and whenever I questioned him about this he would get irritated. I continued to think that I knew best and was proud of the fact that I had never had surgery. I think what helped make my decision was having to face the reality of our current situation. My wife cannot drive any more and we decided to sell her car. Now we only have one driver and one car. If my vision continued to worsen we would have no real transportation.
The surgery went well and I have been pleasantly surprised with the result. I still need reading glasses, but my vision is much better overall. I complimented the surgeon, but I know I am not one of his favorite patients. I continue to wonder why I put it off as long as I did.
Denial affects almost every area of my life. My vision was only one aspect. I continue to have difficulty accepting getting old. I know this is not the most surprising thing in my demographic, but sometimes I think I am still in my 30s and 40s until I experience the consequences of doing too much.
I think denial really affected me the most in my marriage. My wife has been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s Dementia. I would make excuses for her for years for her memory loss and losing things. I really had to accept it two years ago. We went on a Mediterranean Cruise for our 50th wedding anniversary. We were both very excited about it, but she had a difficult time keeping up on the cruise with the other passengers and it was evident that there was something wrong. When we returned I set an appointment with her primary care MD. Her physician thought she had had a stroke and ordered and MRI and a PET Scan. The Scans indicated a small silent stroke and indicated possibility of Alzheimer’s. We then went to a neurologist who confirmed this. The one thing the neurologist said that still bothers me is that there is no cure and the goal of treatment is to slow the progress.
Over the last two years the progress has accelerated. She has trouble with memory on a daily basis, has trouble dressing and right now cannot be left alone. I continued to think we could manage this but our sons both said our current living situation was not manageable. We began to explore senior living facilities. These facilities have three levels. Independent living which is basically apartment living with meals included. Assisted living which provides additional help such as help with medication management, dressing, showering etc. Memory care which is basically for individuals who can not be left alone and need more intensive care . I initially though we could live in our home here and then move into Independent Living. Over the last nine months that has changed. Her disease has progressed. Assisted Living does not provide enough protection or safety for more advanced Dementia. We are now on a wait list for a Memory Care placement. This is still incredibly difficult to accept. This hasn’t happened yet, but it will and I know it will break my heart. I also know that this is the care she will need. Hopefully I can stay strong enough to carry this thru .