Not Quite The Two Minute Warning

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An acquaintance of mine died suddenly. He was barely an acquaintance but was the husband of a close friend of my sister. I had met him few times. What I had in common with him was that we had both lost our wives. My wife died in March. His wife died in April. I heard thru my sister that he was having a very difficult time and I certainly identified with that. He was dead for three days and was starting to decompose. Another reminder of the end was that I just saw a death notice for a priest that taught me. I remember him as a charismatic young priest. He had been chosen as a rising star by the diocese and was sent to Rome to complete his seminary and be ordained. His classes were good and thought provoking. The picture in the death notice was surprising in that he didn’t have a color on, but instead a regular business suit. I think he stayed a priest until the end. The one thing that finally hit me was that he was six years older than I am. He died at 87 and was certainly not a young man any more. I couldn’t believe he was that old. I still think of him as a young man, but sometimes I think of myself that way too. The reality is that I am not.
At this time death doesn’t frighten me. However that’s easy to say when I am feeling healthy. I just turned 81. When I was in my 20s that was an ancient age. It still is. My Dad died at 48. His dad died in his early 50s. My Mom’s dad died suddenly at 72. I found out recently that it was one of my cousins that found him. I don’t want that to happen to me. I don’t want my sons or my grandchildren to discover me.
However that wont be my choice. No one knows when the end will happen. My son once went to a conference in New York for an actuary exam. One of the things he told me was that the presenter said that for every alpha beginning there is a zeta ending and that is the ultimate reality. I think my father’s death was the first time I realized this and then the deaths of my mother, sister and brother-in-law happened. They were all difficult. However the loss of my wife was overwhelming. The pain is still very intense—much more so than the others. The grief counselor said that we all have a fantasy of dying in bed together and when that doesn’t happen the one left alone has to face a difficult reality alone. The nice fantasy of dying in bed together is just that — a fantasy. Death comes when it wants to, not when we decide.
There is a radio insurance commercial that is playing a lot now. It is for life insurance and tries to induce a sense of guilt if you don’t follow thru. I have that taken care of. One line that did come thru is “that everybody dies”. I think we all know that, but our sense of denial remains very strong and intact until the end. Hospice was a way to confront that.
The thing about Hospice is that it is a comfortable place to die. It is centered around death and dying. You go there and don’t really expect to leave. Marilyn was basically comatose from the evening we brought her in until she died eleven days later. I had just gone home to shave/shower and as soon as I walked in the door the phone rang to tell me she had died. I called my sons and we went to the hospice and found her in bed with a beautiful blanket. They had placed a doily that my granddaughter had made and a flower in her hand. I kissed her and began to cry as my sons did.
I always told Marilyn that she was the center of my life. At work I would hear terrible stories and see people at real crisis points in their lives. I would comfort them and offer encouragement as they were going thru this. I would praise them for the progress they were making however slight. I would then go home to Marilyn. She would always be there for me and would always make me smile. I can’t imagine what that would have been like if this had happened when the boys were young. Single parenting and trying to work sounds overwhelming. I think she could have done it. I don’t know if I could .The longer this goes on the more I realize how strong she was and how lucky I was to have her.